It's my birthday and i'm terribly lonely
My name is Coleen. I hope someone out there is reading this. I actually posted about the same problem last month so I’m sorry if I’ve been repetitive. The funny thing is, I’m usually the one helping out and giving advice. It feels weird to be on the other end of the conversation. I don’t ask for anything in return but I do need some help if you can lend me an ear and a little bit of your time. I have been struggling a lot as of late and things are only getting worse.
I have a health problem. Millions of Americans have the same thing I have. I’ve lost count of how many times I visited the emergency room this year and yet people (even doctors!) think that my intestinal problems are a minor inconvenience. IT IS NOT. I don’t have a lot of friends I can share my problems with. I didn’t have a very good childhood as well. I faced a lot of loneliness and rejection in my lifetime. I was neglected and unloved by a mother with alcohol dependence. I was taken away from her when I was 6. My aunt and her husband took care of me from that day on and they became my family. They saved me from further childhood trauma but the damage has been done. I am just struggling emotionally. I had to see a therapist for most of my life. I had to be admitted in an in-patient facility. But I’ve come a long way. I still go to therapy regularly but I have managed to obtain two college degrees while doing animal rescue and other volunteer work on the side.
Things changed for the worse when I got sick in 2009. I succumb into a long depressive episode, I’ve been experiencing panic attacks, and I couldn’t walk because of the back injury I got from falling off a horse. I had to have my bod pumped with opioids and steroid to tolerate the pain. I had no choice but to file for social security. I thought things couldn’t get worse but on the same year, I lost my dad who was my last remaining family. My aunt and uncle, the people who raised me, have distanced themselves from me when all this went down. I don’t understand what I did wrong. At the time when I needed their love and support, they rejected me, disowned me for having a mental illness as if it was contagious. For them, it was a weakness of charcter. They don’t understand what I’m going through at all and they never tried. When I graduated from college, not one of them came or even send a quick congratulations message. They wanted me to go to law school or medicine school but I decided to be in a helping profession which is probably one of the reasons why they didn’t come. Nothing I did ever made them proud.
My dad lived in Florida. He died at 89 due to heart failure. He was brought to the hospital two days prior but no one even called to tell me. They said they did not know how to reach me but I don’t believe that nonsense. My dad was my best friend. We call each other multiple times a week and when I stopped hearing from him, I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. He wasn’t answering my calls. I bet his phone has been taken by his wife and she had been deleting my messages. Ah yes, I forgot to tell you, her wife and I are not in very good terms.
When I haven’t heard back from my dad, I decided to send him a card. I got a response TWO MONTHS LATER saying that my father has passed away. It was the most devastating moment of my life. To add salt to the injury, the letter was composed by my aunt who was not the tiniest bit sympathetic. She told me they already held a funeral attended by no less than 300 people and that they weren’t able to locate me at the time. ????? She went on to talk about the trust fund he left which I had no share in. I didn’t care about that too much though. All I wanted was my father back. I’ve never seen a penny of that trust fund but I’m pretty sure someone had fun with it. They knew I didn’t have the capacity to hire a lawyer to review my father’s will and they took advantage of my situation. There were a couple Harvard graduates in my family. Actually, most of my relatives are very successful people. They live comfortable lives and yet, they decided to take everything my father worked for. I, however, had nothing to my name. no house, no car, no loving family.
I haven’t been so lucky with building friendships too. It’s like I’m never gonna meet a true friend, the kind that will stick around for the long run. I’ve met some good people. I would hang out with them and we’ll have a lot of fun in the first few months but then it just stops. They just stop answering my calls and I don’t even know what I did wrong. I’m not choosy when it comes to friends. I don’t care if you have a car or not. If I like you, then I like you. As simple as that. But whenever I meet someone I think I could trust, they just end up leaving me for other people. Sometimes they’d talk about me behind my back. Sometimes they just use me to get favors which sucks a lot.
Last week I cried so much because of this one friend I have gotten really close to. We had a lot of plans but she kept bailing on me, coming up with these excuses to get away. There was a time when we would call and text each other every day. The last time we saw each other, she only stayed for like five minutes before saying she needed to go to. She said she needed to go to the library to return a book that was due. I said that’s alright, you can come back later if you’re still down to hangout and she said yes. She was parked right outside my apartment but when I looked out a few minutes after she left, her car was still on the same spot. I got worried so I decided to ask one of our friends who lived on the same building. When I was about to knock, I heard the two of them laughing and I shouldn’t have stayed and listened but if I hadn’t, I would have never known that they were gossiping about me. They say they feel sorry about me and the many times I had to go to the hospital for my bowel problems and my weight loss. They said I might have bulimia which is the farthest thing from the truth. They kept on talking about how I’m abnormally skinny and that I should just stay in a home. They say the only reason why some people remain in my life is pity. I couldn’t bear to listen to anymore of that so I rushed back into my apartment and cut them off then and there. Who knows what kind of things they said about me that day. I don’t want to think about it. We still each other on the hallway sometimes. They keep their heads down when we pass by each other. The worst part is, I can’t move out. I have medical bills to worry about, no family to support me emotionally or financially, no savings. I feel helpless.
It’s my birthday today. No one has called to greet me. Not one soul sent me card. I feel so lonely. But I don’t blame them really. I mean, who wants to be with a person who’s got nothing problems. I have no plans for the day. I’m just gonna wait for my laxative to work. The emergency room nearest to where I live has seen enough of me this month. I stopped taking opioids, went cold turkey. My digestive system at this point is just destroyed. My doctor did not look excited to see me. He looked like he didn’t know how to deal with me and all my health issues. I don’t blame him. I know it’s a lot. But it still hurts to think that I have no one to turn to. Even my sponsor from the 12 step program I enrolled myself into is nowhere to be found. I’m just dead weight, something that takes up space in this world. I just don’t understand why God had to put me in this lonely and difficult situation.
I understand if no one responds. It’s a very long post with a lot of negativity. I just need to vent anyway. I have to air all of my feelings out before they consume me. I appreciate you getting this far.