anxious, hurt, and sick :(
Hi everyone. I hope I’m not just talking to myself here. I’d be happy to know if someone ever finds their way to this post. I’m writing to y'all as a form of therapy. It relaxes me to put my feelings into words. I also need your advice about this problem of mine. I have a skin picking habit I could never get rid of. It is caused by so much anxiety. Ive lived with it for a long time now. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see are my imperfections, in my face, especially. That’s why I get scars on my cheeks due to skin picking but I’m trying not to hurt myself too bad. However, this habit of mine is really starting to get out of hand. Eversince I fell in love with the guy I was dating over the last year. I wanted him to commit but he didn’t want anything serious at the moment. I stayed because I couldn’t leave him. It hurts to even think about it. He has lied many many times. He cheated on me with other girls. He wouldn’t even say that he’ll never do it again. I couldn’t make him promise me that he’ll be loyal. But I stayed still because I just couldn’t get myself to leave. He ignored me for weeks after we got into a fight. At this point, I felt like he had zero respect for me. April came and I started to feel hopeless for our relationship. For three whole months, we didn’t see each other not once. my anxiety worsened so bad that I’d wake up in the middle of the night feelin nauseous. I cut my hair short. I stopped myself from touching my face but it was hard. I got acne because ive been picking on the skin a lot.
Just a while ago, I found out I was actually pregnant. I had no idea before that because there weren’t any signs. I’ve been to the doctor three times now because I get severe panic attacks from thinking about being pregnant. No matter how much I try to keep calm, I just couldn’t.
A month ago, I decided to end things with this guy. I told him I wanted to be with someone who knows how to treat me right. I wanted happiness and someone like him couldn’t give me that. He reacted so badly, said a lot of mean things to me. It haunts me to this day. He said he already met someone new and that she’s prettier than me. He told me I don’t need to break things up with him because there was never an us in the first place. It hurts me because he was right. His words left a bad taste in my mouth. For days I couldn’t get rid of that horrible memory in my head. The sound of his voice saying all those mean things just resonates. ***trigger warning*** At some point I thought about killing myself. It got that bad.
September came and I found out I have Diabetes. Since then I had difficulty breathing especially in my sleep. It wakes me up sometimes. It’s scary because I feel myself stop breathing for a few seconds. I used to do a lot of meditation but now I couldn’t even close my eyes for the whole 2 minutes. For some reason, I feel like doing so would lead me to sleep and and im scared of sleep because I might stop breathing. My health condition is stressing me out so much. Aside from my health problems, I’m also facing financial problems. I left my job a year ago and I only get by because my mom is gracious enough to lend me some money. However, it’s still not enough. I’m still having trouble paying the utility and medical bills. Everything is just too much to handle. At 30 years old, I feel so old already. I think it’s all going downhill for me. I don’t know how to fix my problems. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know how to continue with life. Every aspect of my life is a disaster. I lost the only friend I had too. We just grew apart I guess. I just feel alone and now I’m just talking to myself. I still think about my ex. he’s probably out there living his best life and he doesn’t even care about how I’m doing right now. I didn’t do anything bad to him and yet for some reason he hates me so much. I know he’s nothing but a piece of crap but I don’t think I’m ever gonna get over him. I don’t know when this suffering will end or if it ever will 😔