I'm too self critical i can't help it
when i was a kid, i was this confident, fun-loving and carefree person - that is until i reached seventh grade. before that i used to have a positive body image and i didn't really care what others thought because i was healthy and had high self esteem. but as i said, it changed in seventh grade. i started getting bullied because they found out i believe in wicca. all the teasing and getting laughed at made me really feel bad about myself and i started thinking about how im not pretty or athletic or smart enough. i got too self conscious especially with my weight.
ninth grade came and i decided to change things, to put in a lot of effort to actually live my life and find a circle of friends with the same interests as i have. I had the best year!! and i started feeling good about me again. And then i was in 10th grade. I enjoyed most part of it but i did have a difficult time with my geometry classes. thanks to my friends, i got through the toughest days.
now that im in my junior year, i have 2 ap classes and algebra 2 honors. i started feeling sad again maybe because of the pressure and stress? all i do is criticize myself. my friends were busy preparing for college so we dont really have enough time to hangout anymore. i too have been preparing for college. my classes were getting more and more challenging. but i met someone who helped me through this difficult time. beause of him i learned to trust again after i was sexually harrassed by this one guy in seventh grade. we are not so close now as we were in the past though. and without his support, i just went back to being self-critical. i feel like im too heavy being at 120 lbs when im only 5'5. i also worry about school and finding spiritual fulfilment.
Until now, i still suffer from trust issues. I've been bullied for a long time and my relationships are just fleeting. I often hear the words "worthless" and "fat" thrown at me by this jerk. I wanted him to stop so i exercised for hours and got myself into a diet. This only made me feel worse because I was always tired and hungry.
Sometimes I pretend to be Daredevil Shirley. For a second i feel flawless and confident. most of the time, im just drifting, like im observing behind a glass, as if im not really here. i feel so disconnected even with myself. i feel nothing, empty, and i dont think i will ever be fulfilled spiritually.
what i really want is to be confident again. to hear people say things about me and not care. i want to be optimistic about life. I want to be able to accept myself for who i am now. it's just strange how sometimes i feel like im on top of the world and the next day it's like there's a dark cloud above my head.
right now, i want to learn to do many things, like how to work tools, how to man the kitchen, maybe even gymnastics, reiki, hike, do cancer research. i wanna do something worthwhile with my time here on earth. i want o discover all that there is in the world. i want to challenge myself. ... but i have a lot of doubts in my mind. i am discouraged by the negativity surrounding me - the mean words people say about me, the mean things i say to myself. i want to live life to my fullest potential but how do i do that when i feel like time is running out, like the days are going too fast and im just losing myself every second that passes by. where do i get the confidence to live life without regrets?