I'm too self critical i can't help it

when i was a kid, i was this confident, fun-loving and carefree person - that is until i reached seventh grade. before that i used to have a positive body image and i didn't really care what others thought because i was healthy and had high self esteem. but as i said, it changed in seventh grade. i started getting bullied because they found out i believe in wicca. all the teasing and getting laughed at made me really feel bad about myself and i started thinking about how im not pretty or athletic or smart enough. i got too self conscious especially with my weight.

ninth grade came and i decided to change things, to put in a lot of effort to actually live my life and find a circle of friends with the same interests as i have. I had the best year!! and i started feeling good about me again. And then i was in 10th grade. I enjoyed most part of it but i did have a difficult time with my geometry classes. thanks to my friends, i got through the toughest days.

now that im in my junior year, i have 2 ap classes and algebra 2 honors. i started feeling sad again maybe because of the pressure and stress? all i do is criticize myself. my friends were busy preparing for college so we dont really have enough time to hangout anymore. i too have been preparing for college. my classes were getting more and more challenging. but i met someone who helped me through this difficult time. beause of him i learned to trust again after i was sexually harrassed by this one guy in seventh grade. we are not so close now as we were in the past though. and without his support, i just went back to being self-critical. i feel like im too heavy being at 120 lbs when im only 5'5. i also worry about school and finding spiritual fulfilment.

Until now, i still suffer from trust issues. I've been bullied for a long time and my relationships are just fleeting. I often hear the words "worthless" and "fat" thrown at me by this jerk. I wanted him to stop so i exercised for hours and got myself into a diet. This only made me feel worse because I was always tired and hungry.

Sometimes I pretend to be Daredevil Shirley. For a second i feel flawless and confident. most of the time, im just drifting, like im observing behind a glass, as if im not really here. i feel so disconnected even with myself. i feel nothing, empty, and i dont think i will ever be fulfilled spiritually.

what i really want is to be confident again. to hear people say things about me and not care. i want to be optimistic about life. I want to be able to accept myself for who i am now. it's just strange how sometimes i feel like im on top of the world and the next day it's like there's a dark cloud above my head.

right now, i want to learn to do many things, like how to work tools, how to man the kitchen, maybe even gymnastics, reiki, hike, do cancer research. i wanna do something worthwhile with my time here on earth. i want o discover all that there is in the world. i want to challenge myself. ... but i have a lot of doubts in my mind. i am discouraged by the negativity surrounding me - the mean words people say about me, the mean things i say to myself. i want to live life to my fullest potential but how do i do that when i feel like time is running out, like the days are going too fast and im just losing myself every second that passes by. where do i get the confidence to live life without regrets?

Comments

  • Hey Beverly. What got you interested in wicca? I've heard about it but I don't really know much about it. What was the reason you were drawn to it? You started getting into wicca when you were on sixth grade right? Are you still practicing it as of today? An why didn't you stop believing in it even if you were bullied? Sorry for all the questions. - Gordon

  • i was 11 when i took interest in wicca. i thought to myself, if there was god, he would never let wars and stuff like bullying happen in the world. my parents were christian but i didn’t feel like i belong in the religion. when i was in fourth grade, i started recognizing my psychic abilities. i would communicate with celestial beings – yes, angels and spirits. i learned astral projection too but i thought that was everything. i didn’t know about wicca then. but i was already a misfit. i feel different. always the strangest kid in class. one day, i injured myself while i was playing at the playground. i fell on rough concrete and hurt myself real bad on the face. i felt the need to put my hand over it like i knew i had the ability to heal myself. my hand felt tingly and warm. i ran to the bathroom and looked at my reflection. the wound was gone.

    this is how m curiosity with wicca started. i did not know where to start but with the help of my firth grade teacher, i started reading about psychic abilities. as a fourth grader, some of the books were very difficult to understand. some of the words just didn’t make sense and so i lost interest. the thought of going back to reading about wicca didn’t occur to me until sixth grade.

    this one guy referred to me as a witch which i did not like one bit - until he explained to me that he called me that because he could sense my psychic abilities. he was a wiccan and he was very nice to me. he told me all about wicca, explained astral projection, psychic healing, and led me to this website called spellsofmagic.com where i met other wiccans. i’ve learned that wicca is more about being spiritual than it is a religion. we are focused more on nature and believing in the gods and goddesses within ourselves. i’ve always been a lover of nature and science so i became much more interested in wicca. this guy transferred schools though so that sucks. but i did continue learning about wicca. i discovered this website called molochsorcery.com which is also a wicca-themed website. it’s a good learning resource for anything wicca related but it’s kinda hard to follow if you’re still new to the whole movement. that’s why i decided to explore someplace else. i went back to spellsofmagic.com just to see if i can find anything more useful for beginners like me. i discovered other websites too, bought books. that was when i was around 14 years old. i still find myself doing astral projections which is something i couldn’t control. i am still able to physically heal myself with my hands. one of my friends on spellsofmagic.com noticed my passion in learning about divination and reiki which is a term for energy healing, told me to try witchtopia.com which is a free online school. it was awesome. i learned so much from that website. i went back to spellsofmagic.com and signed up to be part of a coven called divine essence. it was so much fun to be a part of. i also joined the twisted nether coven but it was mostly made up of beginners. i didn’t learn much from there, but it made me realize how i wanted to belong in a coven. aside from those two, i was also a part of temple of dark arts which sounds scary but it really is about using the energy of the universe for good. we believe in meditation and all we really talk about gods and goddesses and how they live in nature so we try to honor it not by doing things like hexing which is a common misconception about wicca, but through worshipping it peacefully in our own way. not all with psychic abilities are wiccan. i think people are quick to jump into conclusion when it comes to these things. a wiccan usually does rituals. they incorporate this belief into their lifestyle. we work on chaneling our positive energy to reach out to the psychic world or get one with nature. i personally am into divining using cards as a medium which is called cartomancy or clairvoyance. now i’m that i’m 17, i’m still practicing wicca. i am trying to master reiki and astral travel although i’m still having difficulty trying to direct my path. i am also practicing seeing auras.

  • I can sense that you’re going through a difficult time in your life right now and I truly sympathize. My advice is to treat these difficulties as a challenge or better yet, an opportunity to grow. Your bullies are just testing your beliefs. The important question is, do you believe in yourself? If your answer is Yes, then you’re more than alright. You have a unique perspective of the world and that is truly wonderful. Remember, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. You’re doing awesome and there is no need to worry 😊

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