ALL I WANNA BE IS BEAUTIFUL
I am exhausted...I am hungry all the time...Imagine having to starve yourself to keep your thighs thin because that's what I do! I have to work out ALL THE FREAKIN TIME to maintain a flat stomach!!! I spend too much time taking care of my hair to keep it long and smooth and shiny. My skincare routine takes up too much of my day. I'm tired and hungry...always comparing myself to victorias secret models. Always comparing myself to other women. It's annoying when other girls get more attention from guys. I don't even care about getting boys. I just hate that it means these other girls are pretty and im ugly.
All i do with my free time is go on instagram and compare myself to ladies with perfectly sculpted bodies. Why can't I be like them? I would also upload my photos on websites with AI that could give you an attractive rating based on your features. You know prettyscale.com?
One time I asked my friends to tell me what they don't like about my face. Some said I need to have my nose fixed. They also agreed that I have a very small forehead. I will do everything in power to fix these imperfections. Do you know why? Because I feel ugly. I feel HIDEOUS.
Back when I was 15, my best friend was the prettiest girl in high school - that is according to the guys in my grade. She is 5'6 tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. Of course, she had a killer figure. Boys are constantly flirting with her. Everywhere we go, she's always the center of attention. One time we went to watch a movie together and these guys shouted "wow you're hot". i looked around and this one guy said "not you. the blonde one." i felt humiliated by that but then i got used to it. the first time it happened, i got over it in a second. I mean, i used to believe that when i really put in the effort, i could actually be pretty. But when these kinds of thing happens to you on a regular, it takes a toll on you. I swear it doesn't matter where we go. All the boys at the park, the mall, EVERYWHERE, would just fall in love with her. When she walks by, they would just stop and follow her with their eyes. What is up with that? Even girls would stop us in the middle of a stroll just to tell her she's beautiful. They don't even see me and that hurts.
But i'm gonna get real with you. I'm aware im not ugly. My beauty is just awfully mediocre. One of the most honest people i know told me i'm above average and she must be telling the truth because i didn't ask for compliments. Not to brag but i have dated a couple of nice looking guys and they didn't even ask me out because of my "personality". But for me, its not enough. Women around me are so pretty that they can easily get what they want with their charming beautiful face. All i want is the same.
My hair is frizzy and needs a lot of work. My skin is not perfet too. But whenever i put on make up and straighten my hair to look presentable, i feel pretty and ready to take on the day. Yes, my nose may not be the ideal nose but i dont hate it. I like my face. But i just wanna be as pretty as those other girls who get all the praises.
But hey. Im not always like this. Sometimes i feel content with who i am and what i look like. and in these moments, i feel happy. I'm always looking for this type of happiness - the happiness only being beautiful can give me. For me, it is the best feeling in the world.
Right now, however, i feel depressed and have very low self-esteem. I apologize for this long rant but i would really appreciate if someone could give me advice.