ALL I WANNA BE IS BEAUTIFUL

I am exhausted...I am hungry all the time...Imagine having to starve yourself to keep your thighs thin because that's what I do! I have to work out ALL THE FREAKIN TIME to maintain a flat stomach!!! I spend too much time taking care of my hair to keep it long and smooth and shiny. My skincare routine takes up too much of my day. I'm tired and hungry...always comparing myself to victorias secret models. Always comparing myself to other women. It's annoying when other girls get more attention from guys. I don't even care about getting boys. I just hate that it means these other girls are pretty and im ugly.

All i do with my free time is go on instagram and compare myself to ladies with perfectly sculpted bodies. Why can't I be like them? I would also upload my photos on websites with AI that could give you an attractive rating based on your features. You know prettyscale.com?

One time I asked my friends to tell me what they don't like about my face. Some said I need to have my nose fixed. They also agreed that I have a very small forehead. I will do everything in power to fix these imperfections. Do you know why? Because I feel ugly. I feel HIDEOUS.

Back when I was 15, my best friend was the prettiest girl in high school - that is according to the guys in my grade. She is 5'6 tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. Of course, she had a killer figure. Boys are constantly flirting with her. Everywhere we go, she's always the center of attention. One time we went to watch a movie together and these guys shouted "wow you're hot". i looked around and this one guy said "not you. the blonde one." i felt humiliated by that but then i got used to it. the first time it happened, i got over it in a second. I mean, i used to believe that when i really put in the effort, i could actually be pretty. But when these kinds of thing happens to you on a regular, it takes a toll on you. I swear it doesn't matter where we go. All the boys at the park, the mall, EVERYWHERE, would just fall in love with her. When she walks by, they would just stop and follow her with their eyes. What is up with that? Even girls would stop us in the middle of a stroll just to tell her she's beautiful. They don't even see me and that hurts.

But i'm gonna get real with you. I'm aware im not ugly. My beauty is just awfully mediocre. One of the most honest people i know told me i'm above average and she must be telling the truth because i didn't ask for compliments. Not to brag but i have dated a couple of nice looking guys and they didn't even ask me out because of my "personality". But for me, its not enough. Women around me are so pretty that they can easily get what they want with their charming beautiful face. All i want is the same.

My hair is frizzy and needs a lot of work. My skin is not perfet too. But whenever i put on make up and straighten my hair to look presentable, i feel pretty and ready to take on the day. Yes, my nose may not be the ideal nose but i dont hate it. I like my face. But i just wanna be as pretty as those other girls who get all the praises.

But hey. Im not always like this. Sometimes i feel content with who i am and what i look like. and in these moments, i feel happy. I'm always looking for this type of happiness - the happiness only being beautiful can give me. For me, it is the best feeling in the world.

Right now, however, i feel depressed and have very low self-esteem. I apologize for this long rant but i would really appreciate if someone could give me advice.

Comments

  • Hey Caleb. I too had a gorgeous best friend when i was in highschool so i can totally relate! 💯💯💯 Guys would desperately send her notes with their phone numbers hoping for her to call them. One time when we were at a concert, this bestfriend of mine dropped her sweater and to everybody's surprise, the band vocalist left the stage to pick it up for her. Yes!!! She's that level of pretty!!! There were many more instances that made me think how beautiful she really was and how unnoticeable i am. But hey, im not mad. This bestfriend of mine is as beautiful inside as she is outside.

    I know I don't have the "it" factor. You know, the thing that makes their heads turn. No matter how hard i tried. I have come to accept that i will never be THAT girl.

    The "it" factor i'm referring to here is the complete set of qualities of being attractive. BUT...i know im intelligent.

    I know i am a good person...

    a good mother, friend, wife...

    Sure, I am not the most beautiful woman in the crowd. As a matter of fact, I have man-like hands and feet. I have a huge built too. My eyes are too far apart and the lids are droopy which I don't particularly like for my face shape. I am not ashamed.

    So why am i telling you this? Because i want you to know that even when I wasn't able to be as beautiful as those other girls (who get the boys and the best jobs for simply being pretty), I can say that i have achieved genuine happiness. I know im not attractive on the outside but it's not an issue for me anymore. My happiness comes not from being beautiful but through spending time with my loved ones. 💞

    So make the effort to really try and love yourself. Smile more. Be kind to yourself and be content with what you have.

  • This is going to be a long response so I hope you stick around til the end. I just want to remind you that the pictures you see in social media should not be taken seriously. When you open Instagram, for example, you will see beautiful sunsets, picturesque views from the mountaintop, stunning models wearing clothes only people with perfectly maintained bodies look good in. Of course, these are all curated. Only pretty pictures get uploaded. Some of these pictures are even modified through photoshop and have layers and layers of filters. Still, a lot of people envy the person behind these instagram posts just because he or she gets thousands of likes. These people try to copy these bodies, these poses, the clothes in hopes of getting the same amount of attention.

    In your case, I think you are also looking for external validation. You want to achieve this validation through something you can control or manipulate like superficial things such as beauty. You do this by taming your hair and putting make up on. You have seen that your friend has gotten attention from people because she was beautiful and so you thought you can also get the same amount of attention by being as beautiful as her. That is why you work so hard to be pretty.

    You can control what you eat. You can control what you put on your skin. And because these things are under your control, you also feel in control. But not for long. No matter how much concealer you use or how long you spend styling your hair, you still feel ugly. Why is that? You convince yourself that if you continue to do these things, you will truly feel beautiful someday. You tell yourself that being pretty will get you places because of the attention they get from other people. Even when you finally reach your most beautiful self, you still feel ugly. Because you made yourself believe at a very young age that you’re ugly. That other people never notice you because you don’t meet their standard of beauty.

    You have managed to convince yourself that if people thought you were pretty, maybe they will take the time to get to know you. You want them to be interested with who you are as a person with feelings and goals other than just another pretty face. You are looking for validation from others by trying to be beautiful. By doing so, you are giving them the power to decide your worth. You need to be able to give yourself that validation but you can’t because you don’t know how to accept yourself.

    But I know this is easier said than done. It’s not easy to not be affected by the opinions of the people around you. The world can be cruel especially when you’re not the best. Not all of us know how to ignore the criticisms. Society expects a lot from us and it’s hard to be under that kind of pressure. We can’t always be #1.

    Sometimes, the prettiest girl in the world does not feel pretty. You can be physically beautiful but you also need to know that it’s not the most important thing in life. It’s not your fault because you may have been surrounded by people who valued outside appearance so much that it carried over to you. You were socialized that way. Yes, it is easier to judge the book by its cover. Truth be told, most people see the world that way. They only value things that are easy on the eyes. This is why we also strive to look perfect.

    As you may already know, it’s exhausting to live up to these expectations. You have gotten so tired of trying to impress these strangers.

    There are two ways to approach this problem. One, you may continue to try to be beautiful for every single day of your life. And two, you can think about the things you’ve been telling yourself about the value of beauty and outside appearances then QUESTION IT.

    Ask yourself, why do I need to be beautiful? What’s wrong with being imperfect? Why do I let other people’s judgment affect my body image? Why do I need other people’s attention to feel good about myself? Why do I think that being pretty is the only thing that could make me worthy of love?

    Be kind to yourself! It can be really hard but know that you are the only person who is capable of making a positive change in your mindset. Other people’s words may still affect you but as long as you think good things about yourself, those are the only thoughts that matter.

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